April A to Z Challenge: F

F = Forgiveness

I'm sure you thought I was going to choose "Finances" for this letter, right?  I mean, the other side of the blog is basically dedicated to money and how to make less of it go further.  But, I figured I'd mix it up a little bit.  Plus, I can talk about money all day long any day.  Today, on the lone day of the week that starts with F, I want to focus on Forgiveness. 

Forgiveness is a concept that I'm not entirely sure I've understood very well up until now.  I've always heard the term "Forgive & Forget" so I always just kind of thought of those two concepts as existing in tandem.  It wasn't until recently that I realized that this just isn't the case.  Its possible to forgive without forgetting.  I am just now coming to the full emotional realization of what this means. 

It's not secret to anyone who knows me well that D. and I have had our issues for years.  I understand that most of you who have been following this blog since its inception don't even have the full story yet.  I've put out there the very beginning of our relationship story and then one post dedicated to something that was discovered in the recent past.  Would you believe me if I said that there's even more recent history that may possibly indicate that we could move past the crazy shit that I walked in on?  Yeah, I'm not sure I fully believe it either. Trust me when I tell you that our relationship is hard for even me to understand so I can't begin to think that anyone else could understand it. 

Anyways, after being hurt by D. on a level that even I'm not sure I fully comprehend on most days, I'm starting to understand what it means to have the ability to Forgive.  The journey down this incredibly screwed up road has taught me that I'm not in this thing alone.  I also didn't get to where I'm at on this journey without some action and culpability myself.  Don't get me wrong here, I'm not excusing or even forgiving anything that D. has done.  What he did and what I walked in on was an act of true selfishness and betrayal.  However, I feel strongly that he didn't get to the point where he made the decisions that he made on that ill fated night alone.  Our relationship had been struggling for quite some time and I'm not without my share of responsibility in that.  Did he have other options?  Yes.  Could he have spoken up and officially broken off the relationship? Absolutely.  Do I think he's an immature asshat for doing what he did?  You bet your ass I do.  I'm not at all saying that it takes two for one partner to cheat on the other (well, technically, I suppose it does take two people. . .but, you get what I'm saying, right?) and I'm in no way saying that every scorned woman (or man?!) who has been cheated on should do some self reflection to identify their own responsibility in their partners' infidelities.  Nope, that's not it.  What I'm saying is that in my relationship, I had a part in allowing our relationship to become as caustic as it was.  The cheating is all on D.. . he made that choice and I won't own any part of that.  And in some ways, on some days, I idolize that Bobbit lady who cut off her ex's schlong.  I have a newfound respect for her.  But, I can't honestly say that when the cheating occured that our relationship was all sunshine and roses either.  We were in a rough place.  Not the kind of place that was causing me to go out and seek anything with anyone else but that's my own ethics at play.  D's moral code is obviously more questionable than mine.  And he's obviously not that bright if he thought he'd get away with it. 

With all that being said, I'm in the process now of realizing that forgiveness isn't for the person who has done wrong.  It's for the person who is still harboring the hate, hurt, resentment, or otherwise toxic feelings that come along with being wronged.  I'm not seeking forgiveness to set D's heart or head free, I'm doing it for my own.  I don't want to live the rest of my life with all of that toxicity in my space.  So, I'm seeking out the path to forgiveness so that I can be set free. 

As far as forgetting. . .not a chance in hell.  I'll never forget what he did.  There aren't enough environmentally unfriendly chemicals existing in this world at this time that could erase that from my memory.  Some days, I wish for Alzheimers.  Until then, I have wine.