Welcome back. . .if you've missed the first part of the relationship story, go read about it here.
So, we woke up together on Saturday morning and I immediately became uncomfortable. Not so much embarassed (after all, we were both fully clothed!), just uncomfortable. I was alone in my apartment with this guy who I had just met less than 24 hours earlier. And I had just spent a night cuddled up to him on the floor of my apartment. So, in true me fashion, I kicked him out. I wasn't rude about it, but I didn't really leave any room for debate. I told him that I was supposed to go help a friend with a party that she was throwing (I left out the minor little detail about the party not actually starting until about 8pm that night--like I said, minor details.) and that I most certainly was not going to leave him alone in my apartment. After all, we had just met. So, I packed him up and sent him on his way. A three hour drive home.
Throughout the next couple of days, I didn't really talk to him too much. However, on Tuesday night, I got a call from him on my cell. He asked if he could come back to my town and see me. I said that would be okay (I guess he was kinda starting to grow on me) and asked him when he'd like to come back. He said the next day. I asked him if he was crazy. That was a Wednesday night and he clearly didn't understand the concept of being an adult and having a j-o-b. But, he said that he had a friend of his from out of state who was coming in town and he wanted his friend to meet me. I was kind of flattered at this so I agreed to let him come back into town. This, of course, meant that he AND his friend were going to have to stay with me in my tiny one bedroom apartment. I made sure that he understood that meant that he and his friend would be sharing my tiny little couch if they were going to crash at my place. He said that he would sleep on the couch and he would bring an air mattress for his friend. I agreed on the condition that my best friend could also come and stay with me (I didn't fully trust this dude yet. . .and I was a little nervous around him). Again, my friend obliged but she had her own conditions this time: no shots of rum. I sheepishly agreed to her terms and muttered another apology. She's a good friend.
So, D. and his friend traveled the three hours down to see me the very next day. We all went out that night and had a great time but I needed to be home at a relatively early hour so that I could get up and go to work the next day. The next morning, I got up and headed off to work and at the same time, D. and his friend packed up and left my apartment. They said they were going to grab some breakfast at IHOP before they headed out of town. About two hours later I got a call at my office. It was D. asking if he and his friend could stay one more night. Ummm. . .okay? At the time, D. said that he and his friend had really had fun the night prior and that his friend had taken a liking to my friend. So, his friend was asking if they could stay and hang out one more night. I later found out (about a year later) from said friend that this was a total lie. D. had pretty much strong armed him over breakfast into agreeing to stay one more night. It was D. that hadn't wanted to leave, not his friend. This time it was just the three of us that hung out (my girlfriend had to work that night) but we, again, had a great time. Friday morning, they left (they had not choice this time, D's friend had a flight to catch three hours away!) and I headed off to work.
Throughout the next week, we talked daily. Nothing major. . just chit chat about our day and the normal getting to know you on the surface stuff. The following Wednesday I got an instant message from him at work. He said that he wanted to see me again. That night. I was starting to think that this guy was obviously crazy but I was also really flattered. It had been a long time since I had felt this kind of attention from someone. Then again, it was Wednesday. The middle of the work week. And we lived three hours away from each other. This was craziness! I asked him exactly how he planned on us seeing each other--that night--and both of us still getting to work on time the next morning. Since we both got off that night at 8pm, it wasn't really feasible for either of us to drive three hours just to spend a couple of waking hours together and then turn around and hop back into a car early the next morning so that we could be at work on time. He suggested that we meet half way. HUH? He said that he had already called a hotel in a town that was roughly half way in between his town and mine and they had a reservation pending for him. All he had to do was call back and confirm it. "This dude is nuts", I thought. If it had been anyone else, I wouldn't have even considered it. But, he was my boss' best friend and I trusted my boss. After confirming with him that this guy wasn't going to a) kill me or b) try to take advantage of me in the hotel room, I agreed to meet D. halfway. After I got off work, I headed north to meet him at the hotel. After driving for about an hour and a half, I was nearing the location so I called him to see how far away he was. He was already there and said he had been for about half an hour. I questioned him on how he could get there so quickly if we had both gotten off work at the same time. He replied that he was excited to see me so he had driven fast. He gave me the room number and said he couldn't wait to see me.
When I got to our room, I was a little surprised to see that it had two double beds. He explained that he thought that I would be more comfortable with the option to have my own bed so he had specifically requested two beds. Now, THAT actually made my heart melt a little. I know my parents probably won't believe this when they read it, but it's the truth: our first time spending the night together in the same room and we slept in seperate beds. We stayed up that night talking until probably 2 a.m. and then both went to sleep in our own seperate beds. Next morning, we headed off in seperate directions. I think I smiled the entire way home. It was just so nice to spend time with someone who was funny, sweet, and wasn't pressuring me into anything that I wasn't ready for. That day at work, he called me and asked me if I would come up to see him in his town that weekend. I (excitedly) agreed.
After that, pretty much every weekend was the same for the next year and a half. I would travel three hours north to see him or he would travel three hours sorth to see me. Occasionally (about once or twice a month for the first few months) we would meet up half way in the middle of the week so that we could see each other. Other than our weekends together, we would talk on the phone but that was about it. Our weekends consisted of hanging out, working on his newly built house, partying with his friends, trying new restaurants, and traveling. Due to the fact that we both made great money at the time, we were able to afford some very nice vacations together: went to Vegas, snowmobiled in Wyoming, rented a cabin in the mountains of Tennessee, went boating during the summers, etc. It was so much fun.
I was in love. Head over heels for this guy, in love. As far as I was concerned, he treated me well. He wasn't the most romantic guy that I had ever met, and he certainly wasn't forthcoming in sharing personal details about himself or his past, but he was easy to get along with and oh-so-charming. He was kind to me and seemed very proud to call me his girlfriend. Whenever we would go out with his friends, I was always right there beside him and he never made any attempts to downplay our relationship or how he felt about me in public. To our friends, everything seemed perfect. To me, at the time, everything was perfect.
Due to the fact that we spent only weekends together during the first year and a half of our relationship, we never really had much time to have any issues. There would be the occasional spat every now and again but I don't really remember there ever being anything major. Then again, as I would figure out later, it's hard to truly get to know someone when you've only spent a few days consecutive days with them at any given time. I remained in my town with my job and he remained in his town with his job. We were both very career oriented and weren't sure how we were going to make it work in the future (with the distance between us) but we weren't stressing too much about that at the time. We were happy just living in the moment and enjoying the time that we did have to spend together on the weekends.
Up until this point, the D. that I knew was funny, charming, outgoing, and instantly friends with anyone that he met. That was the only side of him that I had ever seen.
Check It Out!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
How we met. . .
Over the next handful of posts, I will start from the beginning and bring you up to speed on everything (well, everything that is important, I suppose) you need to know about mine and D's relationship and how we got to where we are now: me being a single mom and not entirely sure where my relationship with my "Baby Daddy" stands.
I had been working at my company for about 4 months and I had just recently gotten a new manager in my office. My boss had transferred to my office from an area of Virginia about 3 hours away and knew no one in the area. He was a few years older than me and had a great sense of humor. Almost instantly, we clicked. But not in the way that you might be thinking. No, my boss was happily married. However, his wife was still in their old town trying to get their house sold and tie up loose ends before she and their young daughter made the move to the new town. Because my boss and I were both alone in our town (I worked constantly and really didn't know anyone in town since I had moved from out of the area), we kind of hung out with each other. Never anything inappropriate. . .just running out to grab lunch occasionally and we often found ourselves working late at our office since we were in sales and were always busting it to meet (and exceed!) monthly goals. Anyways, this gave my boss and I ample opportunity to get to know each other. After I had been working with him for a month or so, he said that he thought I should meet one of his best friends. This guy had actually worked with him in his prior office and my boss thought that he and I would get along. The guy was D. I kind of blew it off because I had gotten out of a serious relationship earlier that year (about 6 months earlier) and was still trying to nurse my wounds from that breakup. However, occasionally when my boss and I would be working in the office after hours, my boss would call D. and put him on speaker phone and we'd all three just sit around and shoot the bull on the phone for a little while. I could tell that he was funny and like my boss, he had an outgoing personality. After that, D would occasionally call the office during the day and ask to speak to my boss but he would always spend a minute or two chatting me up and making me laugh. I found out later (from him) that these phone calls were not actually to talk to my boss, it was a sneaky (or not so!) attempt to get me on the phone. Since we had caller id on our phones, D would sometimes call the office and my boss would pick it up knowing it was D. D. would tell my boss to hang up so that he could call back because he wanted me to answer the phone. Sneaky, sneaky!
One Friday at work, my boss approached me and told me that D. was coming down to hang out with him that night but that there was a problem. Since my boss was staying at a friend of a friend's house (who he didn't know very well), he didn't feel right asking if he could have a friend stay over. Plus, he said that there was no room for D. to stay at the house. He asked if I'd consider letting D. stay on my couch that night. To be honest, I was really uncomfortable with it. I mean, I had never met this guy before and I am NOT in the business of letting random dudes sleep over on my couch. I was very hesitant but my boss insisted that D. was a nice guy and that there was nothing to worry about. I agreed on one condition: only if my best friend (or pretty much my only friend living in Virginia) was available to come and stay in my apartment with me that night. If I was going to have a random dude spending the night, I was at least going to have my friend there for back up in case this guy had any funny business on his brain. Luckily, when I called my best friend, she was totally understanding and said she'd be there later that night to rescue me from the random stranger. Later that afternoon, I was working at my desk and this totally goofy looking guy comes walking through the front door of our office. He had a blue super man shirt on and a matching blue superman visor on his head. Except, the visor was turned around backwards and upside down. He immediately started striding toward the back of my office toward my bosses desk. "Who is this dude who clearly doesn't own a mirror?" is what I was asking myself. Little did I know, crazy dressed dude was my bosses best friend. Yeah, it was D. Once I realized this, I was immediately regretful that I had ever allowed myself to get sucked into this whole phone threesome that my boss, myself, and this guy who couldn't dress himself had gotten accustomed to. This dude screamed "Frat boy" to me. Therefore, when my boss formally introduced him, I smiled politely from my desk and kept working. "Avoid eye contact and you'll be fine" was pretty much what I was reminding myself at the time. After my boss and D. had spent about an hour talking and joking around with each other, my boss announced that D. would be heading over to my apartment with me so that he could shower and I could get ready to go out with them that night. Excuse me? Nobody had ever said anything to me about having to be anyone's tour guide that night. In fact, all I had done was (stupidly) agree to let some random stranger crash on my couch that night. In my head, I was reminding myself never to agree to this type of thing again. My boss quickly pointed out the fact that he knew no one in town and how was he supposed to take his best friend out and show him a good time if neither one of them knew anyone in town? I just as quickly reminded him that I had just moved to town a few months prior and knew no one either and that I had called in my best friend who was driving 45 minutes to come and stay with me so that I could offer HIS friend a place to stay that night. To which, my (very clever, I'll admit) boss replied "Great, four people makes a small party. We'll all go out together!". Cunning, indeed. So, off I went begrudingly to my apartment with this guy who I knew nothing more about than his name to not only invite him into my tiny one bedroom apartment but to allow him to use my shower. A shower, which I should tell you, was directly connected to my bedroom. Fabulous. So, while he showered, I stayed in my living room and tried like hell to avoid the urge to flee from my apartment and never return. I don't know if any of you ladies have ever had a guy taking a shower in your apartment that you just clearly weren't interested in, but trust me on this one: it's not all that great of an experience.
I heard the water of the shower turn off and I started to get really nervous. Not in that butterflies-in-your-belly way, more in the crap-now-I-have-to-face-this-guy way. About 10 minutes after the water turned off, the door to my bathroom opened and out walked a complete stranger. As in, not the guy who walked in. No, the fashionably challenged, immature, little frat boy who walked into my bathroom to take a shower had been replaced by a man dressed in a polo shirt in the most perfect shade of blue that hugged a muscled chest and arms that I swear weren't even there 20 minutes before and a pair of jeans that clung to all the right places. It was at that time that I noticed the most gorgeous green eyes that I had ever seen. Who. was. this. guy??? I swear, it took all the focus I had to make sure I wasn't staring, drooling, or brushing the floor with my jaw. I think I even mumbled something about hoping he had enough hot water. Bonehead. I then fled to my bedroom so that I didn't have to be in his presence and risk saying anything else that was completely stupid and void of any charm whatsoever. I tried to gather my focus and senses to pick out an outfit to go out in that night and all of a sudden realized that nothing in my closet was right. Great, nothing to wear. I managed to pull out a pair of jeans and a stretchy fitting red top that, in my opinion (and come to find out later, D's opinion too) accentuated everything that it would need to be accentuated in order to capture and keep the attention of a certain good looking stranger who was currently hanging out in my living room.
By a sheer stroke of good luck, my best friend arrived at my apartment pretty much at the same time that I was done getting ready. This, thankfully, saved me from having to make small talk with the guy in my apartment who I still wasn't really interested in (remember: I was still gun-shy from a previous breakup) but was all of a sudden finding somewhat physically attractive. Damn it! So, my friend of course turned on all the charm and was making friends with D. from the very get-go (kind of ironic since they soon became somewhat at odds with one another) and they relieved me from any obligation of finding topics to talk about. Boss man also showed up shortly after so we were all able to head off to dinner. We decided to try a restaurant downtown which none of us had ever been to before.
Throughout dinner, we had a great time. The four of us got along very easily and conversation was flowing. I'm normally a very outgoing person but the three of them (best friend, boss, and D.) put me to shame in that department since they are all uber outgoing personalities so there was never a dull moment at dinner that night. In fact, after about three hours of sitting at the restaurant and chatting it up, some burly looking dude approached our table and busted up the fun. Burly looking guy in black looked at me and my friend and asked to see our I.D.'s. Apparently, the restaurant that we had chosen turned into a night club after 9pm and this dude in black was wanting to validate that my friend and I belonged. Unfortunately for us, we didn't. I was only 20 at the time and my friend was only 18. So, we were curtly told that we were going to need to exit the establishment quite quickly. I knew that D and my boss were both 25 so this was quite embarassing for me. Fun night busted because the girls are underage. So, as we walked back to the car, I started trying to figure out a plan for how D. could get back to my apartment that night. I naturally assumed that the guys were going to want to go out to a bar or something. Afterall, it was only 9pm on a Friday night. So, I explained that I would take the guys back to my apartment (where their cars were) and that I could give D. my address so that he could find his way back to my place later. Both of the guys looked at me like I had sprouted an extra head. My boss quickly suggested that maybe we should all hang out at my apartment. He tried to hem and haw about how going out would be a hassle and then they'd have to drive back to my place and then my boss would have to drive himself home and blah, blah, blah. So, everyone agreed that we'd hang out at my place.
Once we were back at my apartment, my friend pulled me into the bathroom and told me that she thought she had a crush on D. and wanted to "go after him". Umm. . .did I mention that I wasn't all that into him? Yeah, that changed right then and there. I don't know if it was the threat of competition or if I had just been repressing my true feelings but I pretty much said "Like Hell You Are!" in my head while nodding at her and smiling a thin tight smile. Next thing she knew, I had challenged her to a game in which she and I competed to see who could take the most shots. Hers were rum. Mine were water. Yeah, she lost that game pretty much as soon as the rum kicked in and she got drunk and passed out. Now is the time where you're probably thinking that I'm a God awful person who has no regard for others, right? Yeah, I'll admit it, it was a totally low thing to do. But, as my best friend, I inately knew that he just wasn't the right match for her and I was saving her from making a big mistake. Who am I kidding? It was an awful thing to do and I was acting like a childish little bitch. There, I said it. If you must know, I have confessed my misdeeds to my friend and she's still to this day one of my best friends, if not my BEST best friend. Plus, she totally agrees that he wasn't a good match for her and that I was saving her from making a big mistake. Of course, she didn't fully come to see this until about the time that we both started realizing that he can be a total asshole at times. More on that to come later.
Anyways, after my girl had passed out (hey, I made sure she was comfy, safe, and in my bed) that just left my boss, D. and I to hang out. I honestly can't remember what we did but I think we played cards for a few hours. About the time that midnight or 1 a.m. rolled around, my boss decided to head home which left D. and I alone to hang out. We decided that since my friend was passed out in my bed and my apartment was pretty small, we should hang out on my balcony so that we could talk without fear of waking up my friend. So, it was out on my balcony that we spent the remaining hours of that night talking, laughing, and then in the middle of a random conversation, it happened. He kissed me. And it was great.
When we were all talked and laughed out, we headed back inside my apartment to try to catch some sleep before the sun came up. Due to the fact that my friend was passed out in my bed, my couch was pretty tiny, and D. wanted me to stay with him, we ended up having a campout on the floor of my living room. D. was a perfect gentleman and kept his hands to himself except for at some point during the night where we ended up cuddling up to one another. The next morning, before D or I woke up, my best friend left to head home and that's where she found us: cuddled up on the floor of my apartment using the same pillow and snuggled up to one another.
I had been working at my company for about 4 months and I had just recently gotten a new manager in my office. My boss had transferred to my office from an area of Virginia about 3 hours away and knew no one in the area. He was a few years older than me and had a great sense of humor. Almost instantly, we clicked. But not in the way that you might be thinking. No, my boss was happily married. However, his wife was still in their old town trying to get their house sold and tie up loose ends before she and their young daughter made the move to the new town. Because my boss and I were both alone in our town (I worked constantly and really didn't know anyone in town since I had moved from out of the area), we kind of hung out with each other. Never anything inappropriate. . .just running out to grab lunch occasionally and we often found ourselves working late at our office since we were in sales and were always busting it to meet (and exceed!) monthly goals. Anyways, this gave my boss and I ample opportunity to get to know each other. After I had been working with him for a month or so, he said that he thought I should meet one of his best friends. This guy had actually worked with him in his prior office and my boss thought that he and I would get along. The guy was D. I kind of blew it off because I had gotten out of a serious relationship earlier that year (about 6 months earlier) and was still trying to nurse my wounds from that breakup. However, occasionally when my boss and I would be working in the office after hours, my boss would call D. and put him on speaker phone and we'd all three just sit around and shoot the bull on the phone for a little while. I could tell that he was funny and like my boss, he had an outgoing personality. After that, D would occasionally call the office during the day and ask to speak to my boss but he would always spend a minute or two chatting me up and making me laugh. I found out later (from him) that these phone calls were not actually to talk to my boss, it was a sneaky (or not so!) attempt to get me on the phone. Since we had caller id on our phones, D would sometimes call the office and my boss would pick it up knowing it was D. D. would tell my boss to hang up so that he could call back because he wanted me to answer the phone. Sneaky, sneaky!
One Friday at work, my boss approached me and told me that D. was coming down to hang out with him that night but that there was a problem. Since my boss was staying at a friend of a friend's house (who he didn't know very well), he didn't feel right asking if he could have a friend stay over. Plus, he said that there was no room for D. to stay at the house. He asked if I'd consider letting D. stay on my couch that night. To be honest, I was really uncomfortable with it. I mean, I had never met this guy before and I am NOT in the business of letting random dudes sleep over on my couch. I was very hesitant but my boss insisted that D. was a nice guy and that there was nothing to worry about. I agreed on one condition: only if my best friend (or pretty much my only friend living in Virginia) was available to come and stay in my apartment with me that night. If I was going to have a random dude spending the night, I was at least going to have my friend there for back up in case this guy had any funny business on his brain. Luckily, when I called my best friend, she was totally understanding and said she'd be there later that night to rescue me from the random stranger. Later that afternoon, I was working at my desk and this totally goofy looking guy comes walking through the front door of our office. He had a blue super man shirt on and a matching blue superman visor on his head. Except, the visor was turned around backwards and upside down. He immediately started striding toward the back of my office toward my bosses desk. "Who is this dude who clearly doesn't own a mirror?" is what I was asking myself. Little did I know, crazy dressed dude was my bosses best friend. Yeah, it was D. Once I realized this, I was immediately regretful that I had ever allowed myself to get sucked into this whole phone threesome that my boss, myself, and this guy who couldn't dress himself had gotten accustomed to. This dude screamed "Frat boy" to me. Therefore, when my boss formally introduced him, I smiled politely from my desk and kept working. "Avoid eye contact and you'll be fine" was pretty much what I was reminding myself at the time. After my boss and D. had spent about an hour talking and joking around with each other, my boss announced that D. would be heading over to my apartment with me so that he could shower and I could get ready to go out with them that night. Excuse me? Nobody had ever said anything to me about having to be anyone's tour guide that night. In fact, all I had done was (stupidly) agree to let some random stranger crash on my couch that night. In my head, I was reminding myself never to agree to this type of thing again. My boss quickly pointed out the fact that he knew no one in town and how was he supposed to take his best friend out and show him a good time if neither one of them knew anyone in town? I just as quickly reminded him that I had just moved to town a few months prior and knew no one either and that I had called in my best friend who was driving 45 minutes to come and stay with me so that I could offer HIS friend a place to stay that night. To which, my (very clever, I'll admit) boss replied "Great, four people makes a small party. We'll all go out together!". Cunning, indeed. So, off I went begrudingly to my apartment with this guy who I knew nothing more about than his name to not only invite him into my tiny one bedroom apartment but to allow him to use my shower. A shower, which I should tell you, was directly connected to my bedroom. Fabulous. So, while he showered, I stayed in my living room and tried like hell to avoid the urge to flee from my apartment and never return. I don't know if any of you ladies have ever had a guy taking a shower in your apartment that you just clearly weren't interested in, but trust me on this one: it's not all that great of an experience.
I heard the water of the shower turn off and I started to get really nervous. Not in that butterflies-in-your-belly way, more in the crap-now-I-have-to-face-this-guy way. About 10 minutes after the water turned off, the door to my bathroom opened and out walked a complete stranger. As in, not the guy who walked in. No, the fashionably challenged, immature, little frat boy who walked into my bathroom to take a shower had been replaced by a man dressed in a polo shirt in the most perfect shade of blue that hugged a muscled chest and arms that I swear weren't even there 20 minutes before and a pair of jeans that clung to all the right places. It was at that time that I noticed the most gorgeous green eyes that I had ever seen. Who. was. this. guy??? I swear, it took all the focus I had to make sure I wasn't staring, drooling, or brushing the floor with my jaw. I think I even mumbled something about hoping he had enough hot water. Bonehead. I then fled to my bedroom so that I didn't have to be in his presence and risk saying anything else that was completely stupid and void of any charm whatsoever. I tried to gather my focus and senses to pick out an outfit to go out in that night and all of a sudden realized that nothing in my closet was right. Great, nothing to wear. I managed to pull out a pair of jeans and a stretchy fitting red top that, in my opinion (and come to find out later, D's opinion too) accentuated everything that it would need to be accentuated in order to capture and keep the attention of a certain good looking stranger who was currently hanging out in my living room.
By a sheer stroke of good luck, my best friend arrived at my apartment pretty much at the same time that I was done getting ready. This, thankfully, saved me from having to make small talk with the guy in my apartment who I still wasn't really interested in (remember: I was still gun-shy from a previous breakup) but was all of a sudden finding somewhat physically attractive. Damn it! So, my friend of course turned on all the charm and was making friends with D. from the very get-go (kind of ironic since they soon became somewhat at odds with one another) and they relieved me from any obligation of finding topics to talk about. Boss man also showed up shortly after so we were all able to head off to dinner. We decided to try a restaurant downtown which none of us had ever been to before.
Throughout dinner, we had a great time. The four of us got along very easily and conversation was flowing. I'm normally a very outgoing person but the three of them (best friend, boss, and D.) put me to shame in that department since they are all uber outgoing personalities so there was never a dull moment at dinner that night. In fact, after about three hours of sitting at the restaurant and chatting it up, some burly looking dude approached our table and busted up the fun. Burly looking guy in black looked at me and my friend and asked to see our I.D.'s. Apparently, the restaurant that we had chosen turned into a night club after 9pm and this dude in black was wanting to validate that my friend and I belonged. Unfortunately for us, we didn't. I was only 20 at the time and my friend was only 18. So, we were curtly told that we were going to need to exit the establishment quite quickly. I knew that D and my boss were both 25 so this was quite embarassing for me. Fun night busted because the girls are underage. So, as we walked back to the car, I started trying to figure out a plan for how D. could get back to my apartment that night. I naturally assumed that the guys were going to want to go out to a bar or something. Afterall, it was only 9pm on a Friday night. So, I explained that I would take the guys back to my apartment (where their cars were) and that I could give D. my address so that he could find his way back to my place later. Both of the guys looked at me like I had sprouted an extra head. My boss quickly suggested that maybe we should all hang out at my apartment. He tried to hem and haw about how going out would be a hassle and then they'd have to drive back to my place and then my boss would have to drive himself home and blah, blah, blah. So, everyone agreed that we'd hang out at my place.
Once we were back at my apartment, my friend pulled me into the bathroom and told me that she thought she had a crush on D. and wanted to "go after him". Umm. . .did I mention that I wasn't all that into him? Yeah, that changed right then and there. I don't know if it was the threat of competition or if I had just been repressing my true feelings but I pretty much said "Like Hell You Are!" in my head while nodding at her and smiling a thin tight smile. Next thing she knew, I had challenged her to a game in which she and I competed to see who could take the most shots. Hers were rum. Mine were water. Yeah, she lost that game pretty much as soon as the rum kicked in and she got drunk and passed out. Now is the time where you're probably thinking that I'm a God awful person who has no regard for others, right? Yeah, I'll admit it, it was a totally low thing to do. But, as my best friend, I inately knew that he just wasn't the right match for her and I was saving her from making a big mistake. Who am I kidding? It was an awful thing to do and I was acting like a childish little bitch. There, I said it. If you must know, I have confessed my misdeeds to my friend and she's still to this day one of my best friends, if not my BEST best friend. Plus, she totally agrees that he wasn't a good match for her and that I was saving her from making a big mistake. Of course, she didn't fully come to see this until about the time that we both started realizing that he can be a total asshole at times. More on that to come later.
Anyways, after my girl had passed out (hey, I made sure she was comfy, safe, and in my bed) that just left my boss, D. and I to hang out. I honestly can't remember what we did but I think we played cards for a few hours. About the time that midnight or 1 a.m. rolled around, my boss decided to head home which left D. and I alone to hang out. We decided that since my friend was passed out in my bed and my apartment was pretty small, we should hang out on my balcony so that we could talk without fear of waking up my friend. So, it was out on my balcony that we spent the remaining hours of that night talking, laughing, and then in the middle of a random conversation, it happened. He kissed me. And it was great.
When we were all talked and laughed out, we headed back inside my apartment to try to catch some sleep before the sun came up. Due to the fact that my friend was passed out in my bed, my couch was pretty tiny, and D. wanted me to stay with him, we ended up having a campout on the floor of my living room. D. was a perfect gentleman and kept his hands to himself except for at some point during the night where we ended up cuddling up to one another. The next morning, before D or I woke up, my best friend left to head home and that's where she found us: cuddled up on the floor of my apartment using the same pillow and snuggled up to one another.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Where do I go from here?
I obviously haven't posted much about my relationship history yet and I hope to do so soon so that you will be able to better understand the place that I'm currently in and just how I ended up here. However, I'm a little hesitant to start posting about my relationship's demise simply becuase I'm a little afraid of how many wounds that doing so may open up for me. I'm already in a very very volatile place right now and I'm terrified about making it worse.
To give you a little bit of insight, my ex and I haven't really been speaking much in the last month. He moved out of my house almost a year ago but we have been off and on quite a bit throughout the time since he moved out. I suppose we naively thought that we'd use this time apart to work on our relationship. So, we pretty much went about the relationship part of it but did it from two seperate places. Inadvertently though, the same issues which were part of the reason that he had moved out in the first place would quickly rear their ugly head again and we'd start fighting. This is where I learned that there's a huge difference between fighting with someone you live with and fighting with someone that you have this immense history with but you live in two seperate places. When you're in the same household, you have time to cool down and can pretty much come back together fairly easily and talk it out. Or, if all else fails, you just get over it when the other one does something silly and makes you laugh. Not so when you both have your own places and spaces. Especially when you're as hard headed and stubborn as D & I. Nope, the two of us would slink to our own seperate corners to pout and punish the other one. This would usually last no more than a day or two but over the last (almost) year, the time in between the fights and the "lets make up" talks would get longer and longer.
I also need to be very clear about something: D is much more stubborn than I am. At least, he has a much stronger will than I do, it seems. I was always the one that would give in first. I was the one who would initiate any "I'm sorry", "I was wrong" or "Let's talk about this" talks. Always. It's just the way it was. So much so that it almost became a game to see if he could pinpoint the date and time that I would call him to make up. I guess I should have gotten a clue then. Well, there were ALOT of times that I should have gotten a clue. My parents & family, my friends, my therapists, my own intelligence (when it wasn't so dang wrapped up in him that I couldn't see straight). . .all of them have been telling me for years that this isn't working. I needed to move on. But, I just couldn't.
Anyways, we would drag ourselves through this cycle time and time again. Each time I could feel a little piece of me dying inside. Each time, I would get a little bit angrier and angrier at myself. Not for the damage that it was doing to me. Not for the stress that it was adding to myself. You see, it wasn't just D & I dragging ourselves through this cycle. We were dragging our son through it with us. Each and every time that innocent little boy got caught up in our drama. There was nothing good about the fighting and this vicious cycle that we lived through when we were in the same house but it was exponentially worse when we were both in our own houses. Not only was our son able to tell that we were at odds with one another, he had to constantly deal with seeing Mommy & Daddy together and enjoying the time that we spent together as a family and then be thrust back into spending time with only Mommy or only Daddy whenever we were on the outs. It just isn't fair to him. The poor little guy never knew what was going to happen from day to day. That made two of us.
So, about a month ago (a month ago Sunday, to be exact), we had another one of our episodes. D had lied to me about where he was going to be that night. I found out. I got angry and desperate. I tried calling him and he turned off his phone. It only got worse from there. Let's just say that I got very little sleep that night. The next day, I went over to his house and we ended up talking about it. But, not the kind of talk that we normally had. I asked him if he wanted to be single. He said that he did kind of want to be single. So, I calmly stood up, quietly whispered goodbye and walked out of his house. I was determined this time not to be the one to cave. I told myself that I was too tired of living in this cycle. It wasn't fair to me. It most definitely wasn't fair to our son. And it wasn't healthy for anyone. I've spent 8 1/2 years of my life with this man and alot of that time has been spent being in some immature fight or battle. Enough was enough. Or was it?
Over the last month, I've been really trying to focus on myself and my son. I've been spending more time with friends which has been both good and bad since I can't seem to handle being around friends who are happy right now. There are two girlfriends in particular that are in similar situations to mine and while hanging out with them reassures me that I'm not, in fact, alone in what I'm going through, it's also kind of depressing! Our times together tend to consist of talking about our issues, crying for ourselves or each other, and generally just being sad. Not sure that's working out too well for me at this point. I've also been focusing on school and since it's my last semester, the workload is damn near impossible to keep up with. School has been a good but stressful distraction from what is going on in my personal life. It's hard to focus on school when I'm in the emotional state that I'm in. Trust me, the last thing I want to do when I'm feeling lost, hopeless, tired, nauseous, and heartbroken is to sit down and write a three page paper on the Globalization between the U.S. and Mexico. But, I've been trying really hard not to dwell on the relationship (or lack thereof). There have been a few slips in resolve. I've text him a few times to tell him that I miss him or to wish him a good day to which he will usually respond that he misses me too or that he hopes I have a good day. We've talked very briefly over the phone a time or two but nothing too deep or too personal. That is until last Tuesday night.
In a meeting with my therapist, we were discussing some of the issues between D and myself. The therapist point blank told me that there was no chance in hell of this relationship working if we didn't get ourselves into couple's therapy. We've been there done that. D. stormed out of the last therapist's office and vowed never to return. So, I didn't think it was going to be an option. But, on my way home that night, I decided to see if there was one last hope for our relationship. I know, this is the time where those that know me are banging their heads against the nearest brick wall. But, I felt like I owed it to someone to try. I'm just not sure yet who that someone is. So, I called him. I asked him if he would be willing to give it one more try in therapy. He admitted that he was caught off guard and didn't really know what to think. But, in the end, he agreed to go back to counseling. He said that he loved me and that he would do it for me. I was actually proud of myself when I told him that was the wrong reason to agree to do it. I told him not to waste his time or mine showing up to a counseling session just because he "loved me" and that I didn't want him to turn it around on me later if the sessions didn't go the way that he envisioned and throw it in my face that he was only there because I had somehow lured him to do it. Again, another brief glimpse into the depths of our despair. D. is manipulative. And he has a cunning way of always blaming someone else for everything. I honestly don't know if he could admit to one thing that he's ever been at fault for in his life. Everything is always someone else's fault. I knew that he wouldn't hesitate to throw it back on me later that he was only coming to counseling because of me. Or, he'd twist it around later to make it look like he was doing me some grand favor by being there. So, I told him that the only way I wanted him to go was if he recognized that he needed it as much as I needed it. And that the only valid and acceptable reason to go was to do it for the relationship not for me. He said that he understood and that he would still go.
(Somewhat) Happy Ending, right? Not quite. So, then comes the time to schedule the appointment. I have appointments scheduled with this therapist already for the next three weeks. None of those dates and times work for D. He has appointments scheduled at work for that day or he doesn't want to miss our son's Scouts meeting that night, etc. It took about ten minutes for me to realize that he was willing to do this but on his terms only. Am I surprised? No. Welcome to the last 8 1/2 years of my life.
Thus, leads me to my question and the title of this post. Where do I go from here? All I want is to be happy and healthy. I want to be in a relationship with someone who loves and respects me. At times, I think that D. really could be it if only we could get over some very specific (and extremely deep seeded) issues in our relationship. At other times, I am confiident that he's not the one for me. That he'll never be mature enough to be the man that I need for myself. That he will never truly stop being self absorbed enough to love me the way I want, and feel that I deserve, to be loved. In my head, I can rationalize everything that's going on and I can see that maybe this just isn't the right relationship for me. But, my heart. . .oh, my heart. It's broken right now. Sometimes, when things are broken, they just don't work, right? When your heart is broken, it almost goes into overdrive and spills toxic and painful emotions everywhere. With nowhere for those things to go, they just invade every part of your body until you're left tired, nauseous, and in pain so deep that you'd swear that even your fingernails were screaming for mercy.
To give you a little bit of insight, my ex and I haven't really been speaking much in the last month. He moved out of my house almost a year ago but we have been off and on quite a bit throughout the time since he moved out. I suppose we naively thought that we'd use this time apart to work on our relationship. So, we pretty much went about the relationship part of it but did it from two seperate places. Inadvertently though, the same issues which were part of the reason that he had moved out in the first place would quickly rear their ugly head again and we'd start fighting. This is where I learned that there's a huge difference between fighting with someone you live with and fighting with someone that you have this immense history with but you live in two seperate places. When you're in the same household, you have time to cool down and can pretty much come back together fairly easily and talk it out. Or, if all else fails, you just get over it when the other one does something silly and makes you laugh. Not so when you both have your own places and spaces. Especially when you're as hard headed and stubborn as D & I. Nope, the two of us would slink to our own seperate corners to pout and punish the other one. This would usually last no more than a day or two but over the last (almost) year, the time in between the fights and the "lets make up" talks would get longer and longer.
I also need to be very clear about something: D is much more stubborn than I am. At least, he has a much stronger will than I do, it seems. I was always the one that would give in first. I was the one who would initiate any "I'm sorry", "I was wrong" or "Let's talk about this" talks. Always. It's just the way it was. So much so that it almost became a game to see if he could pinpoint the date and time that I would call him to make up. I guess I should have gotten a clue then. Well, there were ALOT of times that I should have gotten a clue. My parents & family, my friends, my therapists, my own intelligence (when it wasn't so dang wrapped up in him that I couldn't see straight). . .all of them have been telling me for years that this isn't working. I needed to move on. But, I just couldn't.
Anyways, we would drag ourselves through this cycle time and time again. Each time I could feel a little piece of me dying inside. Each time, I would get a little bit angrier and angrier at myself. Not for the damage that it was doing to me. Not for the stress that it was adding to myself. You see, it wasn't just D & I dragging ourselves through this cycle. We were dragging our son through it with us. Each and every time that innocent little boy got caught up in our drama. There was nothing good about the fighting and this vicious cycle that we lived through when we were in the same house but it was exponentially worse when we were both in our own houses. Not only was our son able to tell that we were at odds with one another, he had to constantly deal with seeing Mommy & Daddy together and enjoying the time that we spent together as a family and then be thrust back into spending time with only Mommy or only Daddy whenever we were on the outs. It just isn't fair to him. The poor little guy never knew what was going to happen from day to day. That made two of us.
So, about a month ago (a month ago Sunday, to be exact), we had another one of our episodes. D had lied to me about where he was going to be that night. I found out. I got angry and desperate. I tried calling him and he turned off his phone. It only got worse from there. Let's just say that I got very little sleep that night. The next day, I went over to his house and we ended up talking about it. But, not the kind of talk that we normally had. I asked him if he wanted to be single. He said that he did kind of want to be single. So, I calmly stood up, quietly whispered goodbye and walked out of his house. I was determined this time not to be the one to cave. I told myself that I was too tired of living in this cycle. It wasn't fair to me. It most definitely wasn't fair to our son. And it wasn't healthy for anyone. I've spent 8 1/2 years of my life with this man and alot of that time has been spent being in some immature fight or battle. Enough was enough. Or was it?
Over the last month, I've been really trying to focus on myself and my son. I've been spending more time with friends which has been both good and bad since I can't seem to handle being around friends who are happy right now. There are two girlfriends in particular that are in similar situations to mine and while hanging out with them reassures me that I'm not, in fact, alone in what I'm going through, it's also kind of depressing! Our times together tend to consist of talking about our issues, crying for ourselves or each other, and generally just being sad. Not sure that's working out too well for me at this point. I've also been focusing on school and since it's my last semester, the workload is damn near impossible to keep up with. School has been a good but stressful distraction from what is going on in my personal life. It's hard to focus on school when I'm in the emotional state that I'm in. Trust me, the last thing I want to do when I'm feeling lost, hopeless, tired, nauseous, and heartbroken is to sit down and write a three page paper on the Globalization between the U.S. and Mexico. But, I've been trying really hard not to dwell on the relationship (or lack thereof). There have been a few slips in resolve. I've text him a few times to tell him that I miss him or to wish him a good day to which he will usually respond that he misses me too or that he hopes I have a good day. We've talked very briefly over the phone a time or two but nothing too deep or too personal. That is until last Tuesday night.
In a meeting with my therapist, we were discussing some of the issues between D and myself. The therapist point blank told me that there was no chance in hell of this relationship working if we didn't get ourselves into couple's therapy. We've been there done that. D. stormed out of the last therapist's office and vowed never to return. So, I didn't think it was going to be an option. But, on my way home that night, I decided to see if there was one last hope for our relationship. I know, this is the time where those that know me are banging their heads against the nearest brick wall. But, I felt like I owed it to someone to try. I'm just not sure yet who that someone is. So, I called him. I asked him if he would be willing to give it one more try in therapy. He admitted that he was caught off guard and didn't really know what to think. But, in the end, he agreed to go back to counseling. He said that he loved me and that he would do it for me. I was actually proud of myself when I told him that was the wrong reason to agree to do it. I told him not to waste his time or mine showing up to a counseling session just because he "loved me" and that I didn't want him to turn it around on me later if the sessions didn't go the way that he envisioned and throw it in my face that he was only there because I had somehow lured him to do it. Again, another brief glimpse into the depths of our despair. D. is manipulative. And he has a cunning way of always blaming someone else for everything. I honestly don't know if he could admit to one thing that he's ever been at fault for in his life. Everything is always someone else's fault. I knew that he wouldn't hesitate to throw it back on me later that he was only coming to counseling because of me. Or, he'd twist it around later to make it look like he was doing me some grand favor by being there. So, I told him that the only way I wanted him to go was if he recognized that he needed it as much as I needed it. And that the only valid and acceptable reason to go was to do it for the relationship not for me. He said that he understood and that he would still go.
(Somewhat) Happy Ending, right? Not quite. So, then comes the time to schedule the appointment. I have appointments scheduled with this therapist already for the next three weeks. None of those dates and times work for D. He has appointments scheduled at work for that day or he doesn't want to miss our son's Scouts meeting that night, etc. It took about ten minutes for me to realize that he was willing to do this but on his terms only. Am I surprised? No. Welcome to the last 8 1/2 years of my life.
Thus, leads me to my question and the title of this post. Where do I go from here? All I want is to be happy and healthy. I want to be in a relationship with someone who loves and respects me. At times, I think that D. really could be it if only we could get over some very specific (and extremely deep seeded) issues in our relationship. At other times, I am confiident that he's not the one for me. That he'll never be mature enough to be the man that I need for myself. That he will never truly stop being self absorbed enough to love me the way I want, and feel that I deserve, to be loved. In my head, I can rationalize everything that's going on and I can see that maybe this just isn't the right relationship for me. But, my heart. . .oh, my heart. It's broken right now. Sometimes, when things are broken, they just don't work, right? When your heart is broken, it almost goes into overdrive and spills toxic and painful emotions everywhere. With nowhere for those things to go, they just invade every part of your body until you're left tired, nauseous, and in pain so deep that you'd swear that even your fingernails were screaming for mercy.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
New Addition Here at Living on a Dime or Less
For the readers who have been with me for a little while, the fact that I'm single may not come as a shock. I've mentioned it here and there over on the other side of the blog but I haven't really gone into too much detail about my situation. When I started Living on a Dime or Less, I wasn't exactly sure what direction that the blog was going to go. As much as I want (more like NEED) to live my life on as little as possible, I knew that I desired to write about more than just my budget. I longed to write about the reasons WHY my budget was as stretched as it is. I wanted to share more about my life and the various things that I go through on account of my situation. But, i just didn't really feel that my main blog was the place to do it. Hence, the new addition.
I'm a single mom. Some of you know this, some of you may not. While I plan to continue sharing my budget related and DIY projects (for now. . .I may even spin DIY projects off into another page one day. . .who knows?!) over on my main Living on a Dime page, I also wanted to start this other segment of Living on a Dime or Less to share my experiences as a single mom. There's alot more to me than just my budget and my (very slow to be completed) projects. I'm a mama who is going through a very difficult process right now as I find myself being forced to rely on myself more and on my ex less. I may not post every day and I may not even post on this side every week but now that I feel like I have a place where I can share the more intimate details of my life and my struggles (and successes!), perhaps I won't feel so restricted in what I post.
I'm a single mom. Some of you know this, some of you may not. While I plan to continue sharing my budget related and DIY projects (for now. . .I may even spin DIY projects off into another page one day. . .who knows?!) over on my main Living on a Dime page, I also wanted to start this other segment of Living on a Dime or Less to share my experiences as a single mom. There's alot more to me than just my budget and my (very slow to be completed) projects. I'm a mama who is going through a very difficult process right now as I find myself being forced to rely on myself more and on my ex less. I may not post every day and I may not even post on this side every week but now that I feel like I have a place where I can share the more intimate details of my life and my struggles (and successes!), perhaps I won't feel so restricted in what I post.
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