Monday, April 9, 2012

April A to Z Challenge: H

H = Healing

Healing from those things which have hurt us in the past.  I am in an extended period of healing right now.  There are a number of things which have hurt me and have caused wounds/scars in my past.  Some of these things, I have dealt with very quickly and have healed easily.  Some of them, however, have been long lasting wounds which have caused a delayed healing.  For example, I was sexually abused when I was a child by a non-family member.  This abuse went on for three agonizing years.  Once I did speak up (at the age of 12 or so), I was immediately put into counseling by my mom.  I can't remember exactly how long I attended counseling but it seemed like a short amount of time.  I quickly moved past the abuse and went about my teenage years thinking that it was behind me.  It wasn't.  It wasn't until I was an adult that the lasting effects of the abuse came back to wedge itself into my personal life.  It affected my self image, my relationships and trust in people, and my sexual relationships with the men in my life.  Rather than be promiscuous like some sexual abuse survivors are prone to doing, I became extremely closed off.  I didn't trust people not to hurt me so I had extreme difficulties with the most intimate of activities.  It took years of therapy and individualized work to begin the healing process from that experience that I had as a child.  Even now, 20+ years later, I still won't go as far as to say that I'm completely healed from that experience but I can say that I've put it behind me.  Unfortunately, there are other things in my life that I'm working on being able to heal from. 

Throughout all of these experiences, I have come to realize that healing is something that only you can do for yourself.  Yes, there are therapists, friends, and family who can help you through the process.  But, you cannot heal from anything until you are ready to do so.  Until you have opened yourself up to healing.  Healing also takes time.  Time has sometimes been my worst enemy.  I'm an instant gratification type gal.  I don't like to wait for things.  I have come to (somewhat) understand that I can't rush the process.  Another really shitty point to it is that there is no timeline.  Nobody can tell you how long it will take.  It takes as long as it takes and you just have to be patient.  Difficult for someone like me.  I don't do patient very well.  I'm learning.  I want to heal bad enough that I'm learning how to be patient. 

1 comment:

  1. i am praying for your complete healing--and i too struggle with patience--take care :)